Being Here

One of the challenges is to be here. To be present in the moment and fully with the patient, even when there is silence and nothing to do or say but just to be here, to be a comfort and to stand by and stare down the fears that creep in during times when pain or weakness or confusion reign. Also to be here, to be away from my beloved, precious newly created family, my beautiful home, my friends and comforts. To be here, so far away from what is familiar and groping about for a foothold in this community, seeking aid from strangers.

The kids are used to finding and fixing food for themselves, not real meals, but have not yet learned to clean up - something I hope they are willing to learn to do for themselves. So far I've done laundry, but none of mine; only new flannel sheets for Terry's bed and some vomity towels tonight after a particularly unpleasant few hours when she was terribly sick - now resting well and time for me to get some rest as well: it's one a.m. Being weak and needing to rely on someone else is a frightening thing for someone who is used to being in charge.

There is lots more to write about: hiking the mountain, losing the dog (and recovering the dog), beach-combing for driftwood, shopping at thrift-stores, taking a weaving-therapy class together, de-fleaing the cat and getting 10lbs of bananas, a personal harp concert, and much more. There are days when Terry can get out and about, shopping or visiting friends with me as driver and aide. Often she need help with her balance or gets too weak to stand for long. The medication causes difficult side-effects and is less effective as time goes on. Radiation to the tumors in her brain are scheduled for late March and she should see much improvement after that. The tumors cause inflammation which causes terrible headache (the first symptom she had) and confusion.

Beginning at the beginning is easier for the reader, but the writer must sometimes write from where the writing starts and hope to fill in the rest later. And the writer is now here. Just being here.